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Chapter 3

How's your sex life?


It is often joked that the three things that should never be talked about at parties are politics, religion and sex. The basis of the joke is that they are controversial topics and in the interests of peace it is best to keep away from them. However, all three dominate our society. Although discussion on politics and religion come and go, sex continues to sell magazines, influences television, is sometimes associated with violence and continues to infiltrate much female and male discussion.

We all desire to have a good sexual relationship and yet so few of us achieve one. We especially desire to have it as a part of a package of other good things in the relationship. Sometimes, when we can't get what we want from our partner, we may go elsewhere, multiplying the problems of our life a hundredfold. Also, sex can sometimes dominate a relationship, particularly when the physical act of sex is satisfying, without the rest of the relationship being very good.

Sometimes, when we do have all that we need sexually, we feel that we are still not satisfied and do not know why. Sex can seem to be a mysterious ogre, that either never satisfies, or at the other extreme almost consumes us. Sexual behaviour seems to be one of the mysteries of life. And yet it was not meant to be that way, for in the beginning God meant men and women to be happy and contented in their sexual relationship.

What's gone wrong with sex?

Nothing really. It's just that men and women do not generally know the basis of good sex. Where we go wrong ( particularly men ) is to focus on sex as the answer to everything. Rather, good sex is the end result and sum total of everything else in our relationship being satisfactory. Men can use sex to dominate their wives and women can use sex to control their husbands. That isn't love, but just the opposite. The term "making love " is often a doorway primarily towards the satisfaction of a physical or emotional need. Where has it all gone wrong?


Kate was a strong, vivacious and beautiful woman, married to a fairly introverted man. Because of his state, he attempted to dominate and control his effervescent wife by controlling her finances and by manipulating matters in relation to the children. His unloving nature and her effervescence, eventually meant that she became emotionally and sexually involved with another man. The satisfaction of both the emotional and sexual needs in this new relationship seemed wonderful to Kate. All she had ever wanted was to be found in this man. However, there were a number of problems.

Firstly, they were both married to someone else. Secondly, there were children in her marriage and, despite her unfaithfulness to her husband Kate was a loving mother who could not leave her children. This is a story often repeated in our society. So, after some years she gave up the other relationship and tried to settle back into her marriage. However, she became more and more bitter towards her husband. She continued to live in physical and emotional ill health.

It could be said that Kate had good sex outside her marriage, but because it did not have the right spiritual and social basis, it simple could not last. It was a case of sex helping to destroy a person, instead of being the uplifting experience that it should be.


Ian had somewhat similar experiences to Kate. He too, outside of marriage, experienced the companionship and sexual relationship he had always wanted. He left his wife, because he could no longer honestly live with her. Understandably, she was very hurt. Too much had gone wrong and there was too much distance between them. Sexual infidelity really destroys relationships. Ian also involved himself in the occult, with serious effects. More about Ian in Chapter 22.

Ian, however was more fortunate than Kate, because his life had gone so far down, he reached a position where he, like Joy in Chapter 10, cried out to God for help. He has become a Christian and he and his new wife now have the basis for a good sexual relationship, because they both have the Holy Spirit of God living in them.

Two lives, Kate and Ian, the only difference being that Cod came into Ian's life and made the difference. Kate was probably a more likeable and lovable person than Ian, but suffered because she never even knew about Jesus Christ. Is that you? If it is, then turn to Part 3 of this book ( Chapter 24 )on page 139 and get to know Jesus now.

In what has been said so far, it is not being implied that all sexual relationships outside of marriage are poor. There can be poor relationships inside of marriage and good ones outside of it. Nevertheless, marriage does remain the only stable state for the best in a sexual relationship between a male and a female.

The basis for good sex

In summary, the basis for the best in a sexual relationships is for both partners to have a proper spiritual relationship with God. When that happens, both partners will be joined together in unity, this unity being based on unity with the Spirit of God.

Once that spiritual unity begins to develop, then unity in soul also begins to develop, i.e. the two of you begin to think more alike and have interests in similar things. You tend to agree more, and more easily agree. Finally, your physical unity begins to have a more solid base, so that the sexual relationship improves, because it has a more reliable spiritual and soulish base.

Another way of saying this is that as the Spirit of God supplies more of your individual ( i.e. each partner ) needs, a greater unity of spirit develops in each individual, with God firstly, and with your partner secondly. The same for your partner. The more each person is in unity with God, the more they will be in unity with each other, in spirit, soul and body. The continuing and guaranteed physical sexual relationship is dependent on unit in the other two areas. So if you have a poor sexual relationship, then the most likely causes would be in soulish and spiritual disunity.

Barry and Vanessa Chant in their book " Straight talk on marriage " mention this by referring to the sexual study by Masters and Johnson who say:

"Nothing good is going to happen in bed between a husband and wife unless good things have been happening before they go to bed. There is no way for a good sexual technique to remedy a poor emotional relationship. For a man and woman to be delighted with each other in bed, both must want to be in bed - with each other." ( Chant p 42.)

Although this quotation only links the emotional part of the soul with the body, the same is true of the connection of the underlying and more important spiritual link.

Good sex for non Christians?

You might be starting to think that Christians have a monopoly on good sex. Just to put the record right - not so! Married couples who are not believers may have excellent sex lives. If they are emotionally close, attracted to each other and otherwise stable, their sex Iife might be quite satisfactory. In other words, they are in some degree of unity in the soul and body areas. Interestingly, they are also in unity in the area of the Spirit.

This can be said because they are not yet born again of the Spirit of God and so are equal and in unity in that respect too. An apparently perfect situation! What's wrong with that you might ask?

Firstly, unless they later make that decision for Christ, they do not attain eternal life and get into heaven. Secondly, they miss out on all the best that God has for them, sexually and otherwise. Blunt? Yes. But Biblical truth. And you can't beat that!

Does the bible say anything about this?

The Bible talks about man and woman becoming one flesh after they leave their parents to get married . God made us to join together sexually, but only within marriage. Sex outside of marriage is sin. It is called fornication where people are not married and adultery when at least one of them is married.

The Bible encourages unity of spirit and soul, because God knows that if we achieve that, then sexual unity will more easily follow. For this reason, there are not many specific instructions about sexual matters. One however is worth mentioning. Paul, in writing to the Corinthians about marriage says:

...since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent... ( I Corinthians 7: 2-5 )

Isn't it wonderful that the Bible has such simple instructions about the ordinary everyday issues of life. Paul's words here - and remember they are inspired and given by God- are to protect the marriage and promote loving sexual relationships in the marriage. Each partner needs to consider the other first. How many marriages would be saved if this was always followed?


Sexual relationship in marriage is there for many reasons. Apart from procreation, so the couples may produce children, sex enhances marriage by providing physical gratification, a chance to bring pleasure to our partner and to celebrate oneness in spirit and soul. It is this oneness in spirit and soul that is the basis for any good sexual relationship. It is the means by which a couple may celebrate their unity in soul and spirit. If you are lacking in this unity, then the first step is to commit your life to God. Part 3 of the book ( Chapter 24 ) on page 139 tells you how to do that.

What this chapter has said

  1. A good sexual relationship is the result of good attitudes, feelings and actions in other areas of the relationship.
  2. Sex outside of marriage is unlikely to bring lasting satisfaction in all aspects of the relationship.
  3. Although a sexual relationship in a non - Christian marriage can be good, it has the possibility of being better where both partners are believers in Jesus Christ and have the Spirit of God living in them.
  4. The Bible encourages unity of soul and spirit between the partners of a marriage, knowing that this is the best basis for unity of body to be present in a marriage.
  5. If there is unity in spirit, soul and body between the partners of a marriage then there is less likelihood for a partner to seek consolation or sex outside the marriage.
  6. The best basis for unity in marriage is for both partners to know Christ